I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
