I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
