just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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