So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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