im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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