Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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