I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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