she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
