Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
