just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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