I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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