I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
