Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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