ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
