who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
