If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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