My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
