I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again