Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice