Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
