I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
