Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
