I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
