I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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