I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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