I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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