just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
