Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
