so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
