Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
