3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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