Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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