Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
