I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
