my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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