I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
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i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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