someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
