Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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