i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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