i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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