Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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