I hate your face
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
