i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
