I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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