Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
