You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
