So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
