Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
