Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize