She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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