My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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