I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
