Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
