don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
