i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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