i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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