my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
