If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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