The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
