My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
