I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
