So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
